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Google: “Hey guys, watch this!” (kaboom)

Tens of millions of users woke up this morning,went to Google, and immediately recoiled in horror. The lovely, graceful white Google page had been replaced with a glaring image of…something. Whatever it was, it was unexpected, distracting, and unwelcome. Questions flew: Was Google hacked? Is it April Fools Day already? Has my two-year old been messing with my computer? Is the Universe imploding and this is the end of life as we know it? No, it was something far more hideous: Innovation.

For some insane reason, the Powers That Be at Google decided that they would emulate the crappiest search engine Known To Man, and make the most popular search engine look like Bing. Yes, Bing, the search engine that is so awful, Microsoft has to pay people to use it.

So whoever was suffering from the most severe head injury at Google won the coin toss or whatever, and the clean white Google page background was replaced by one of a few dozen stock images, some drawn from popular artists like Dale Chihuly, Jeff Koons, Tom Otterness, Polly Apfelbaum, Kengo Kuma, Tord Boontje. In other words, people you probably never heard of and wouldn't have willingly picked to pollute grace your desktop with even if you had.

And what's worse, the Head-Injury Group neglected to include an option to turn the &^$%! thing OFF, so tens of millions  of people cursed fluently in their native laguage and started searching for "how do I turn off the background", which rocketed to the 2nd most popular query on Google within a few hours (I'm not making that up). Yes, you could pick "white" as the background, but then you had white-shadowed text on a white background. Brilliant, just *&^#! brilliant.

And so, after receiving death threats and having rocket-propelled grenades fired at the Google headquarters, Google removed the new "feature" after 14 hours. (I made up the part about the grenades!) Yes, 14 hours was how long it took someone in the Non-Head-Injury Division of Google to go "WHAT THE F*#^!??" and undo the change.

Millions of geeks cried out in happiness, as if there had been a disturbance in the Force or as if they had all been granted dates with a cute girl.

Note to Google: First, if I wanted the horsecrap imagery that Bing forces on you when you visit their page, I'd use them as my search engine, not you. Second, if you're going to imitate someone, for God's sake, don't pick a company like Microsoft, who can barely fight their way out of a wet paper bag with a chainsaw in each hand. I mean, didn't the fact that Microsoft had to pay people to use Bing give you a clue? And finally, please don't ever, EVER pull such a bone-headed stunt like that again.

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