In a follow-up to yesterday's post on how Apple's App Store has been hacked and compromised, we now have exciting news: Apple spokeswoman Trudy Muller released a statement detailing the fancy new lock that Apple is going to install on the store's barn door "real soon now".
self serving rress release statement was short on details, but it appears that the lock will be made of either metal or a "metal-like substance" and that it will could definitely might stop Teh Evil Hackers from laughing at Apples lax security stealing your money by telling them to please cut it out monitoring App Store uploads, "and stuff", according to Ms Miller's hastily carefully prepared statement.
Apple critics were quick to respond, gushing like drunken Girl Scouts at a My Little Pony party. "OMGWTFBBQ!!" opined the New York Times, with tech magazine Wired adding, "We love Apple so so so so much and want to have Steve Jobs' babies!!!"
Apple spokeswoman Trudy Muller insisted that "hardly any" customers were forced into bankruptcy and "only a few" users had committed suicide after having their personal information stolen and their bank accounts cleaned out.
"Glorious Leader Steve feels that using modern technology comes with some risks", she said, adding that having your life and personal credit destroyed "is a small price to pay to be able to download Fart Apps and other innovative software like the Phone Saber", which simulates the sound of a light saber when you wave around your phone.
Microsoft immediately filed suit against Apple, Trudy Muller, and most of North America, claiming infringement on the use of the word "innovative". Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment, as he was currently "relaxing on his newly-purchased Caribbean island snorting coke from a hooker's cleavage" and couldn't be bothered, explained Ms Muller.